Bad Boys Have Big Balls
11 Jan 1998
How do you know if your male partner is cheating on you? Some women look for evidence of lipstick on the collar. Or suspect a clandestine affair when he returns home at 1:00 AM night after night. Still others hire a detective at great expense to follow their partner week after week looking for proof of infidelity.
But now there’s a unique and inexpensive way to assess promiscuity. All you have to do is buy a pair of plastic callipers. Then at the right moment you make your move. He’ll be in for the surprise of his life when you say, “Darling tonight I want to measure your testicle?”
Dr. Robin Baker is an evolutionary biologist and popular science author. He recently presented this interesting study at the British Association which promotes scientific research.
But what would prompt an eminent researcher to measure the size of testicles? Surely this distinguished British scientist has more important work to carry out. And why would he believe testicular size is of any importance?
It was Dr Baker’s work with animals that set the stage for this discovery.
Baker knew that the “uxorious gorilla” mates for life. He also was aware that this large animal has very tiny testicles. The chimpanzee, on the other hand, a remarkably promiscuous animal, has noticeably large testicles.
At some point Dr. Baker must have thought ,”Hmm I wonder if there’s any relationship between testicular size in homo sapiens and cheating on a partner”.
But how do you conduct research to measure testicles? Some researchers resort to putting ads in newspapers requesting volunteers to help conduct experiments on diabetes, heart disease and any number of disorders.
But can you imagine the hue and cry if this approach was used for testicles! Or if he had knocked on doors with this request? Dr Baker would have been run out of town. Or tossed out the door and labelled a scientific pervert.
There was only one way to conduct this research and still retain his respectability and his job. It’s the time-honoured way of doing off-the-wall research. It’s always possible to find enough medical students to fill the need. Particularly if they’re in the professor’s class and are looking for a good grade.
Dr Baker finally rounded up 80 male students. Each male was questioned in detail about his sexual history.
They were then told to go home and measure their testicles with plastic callipers. And after ejaculation to report its volume.
So how big were the testicles? The average size was 24 cubic centimeters (cc). The smallest was a mere 8 cc and the largest 52 cc. Men with the largest testicles also produced the biggest volume of sperm ejaculate.
Dr. Baker reported to the British Association that Homo Sapiens has a touch of the chimpanzee in him.
His investigation revealed that 12 of the 80 males had been unfaithful to their partners. And that the males with the largest testicles showed an increased probability of cheating on their partners.
Following this revelation, Professor Mark Ferguson chair of the meeting, summed up with this sage remark, “Bad boys have big balls”.
This column brought to mind a previous article I wrote a few years ago. It reported the influence of another human part, the earlobe crease.
Dr. William Elliott, Assistant Professor of Medicine at the University of Chicago, made an interesting discovery. He examined 1,000 patients with coronary heart disease. He observed that 74 percent of these patients exhibited a peculiar ear crease.
Another study of 6,000 patients confirmed that 60 percent of those with an earlobe crease suffered heart disease.
Dr. Elliott’s conclusions didn’t win the Noble Prize. But an eight year follow-up revealed that those with an earlobe crease did indeed fare worse than those without it.
The telltale crease starts where the ear lobe is attached to the head. It runs diagonally back to the lower edge of the ear. If it’s present it’s quite obvious.
I was flooded with letters following this column. People had rushed to the mirror to see if they could find a crease.
I admit that’s why I chuckled while writing this “bad boy, big ball” column. I’d love to be a fly on the wall to see how many men rush to examine the size of their testicles. Then wonder how they compare to George whose sitting across the room. Or how many women rush out to purchase plastic callipers. Alas, I’ll never know the answer.
